Pay raises, missing bikis, and a lasso full of bad juju: the East Oʻahu Corral is fixin’ to get messy. Because, on this side of town, no one knows how to just ride off into the sunset.

The tale of a saddlebag without bottom, a donkey without dignity, and a governor who seems much too comfortable with both.

Grab your red twine and head to the cork board. Hawaiʻi’s ongoing bribery scandal has devolved into a Scooby-Doo nightmare worthy of the Overlook Hotel.

“I’m sorry, Hawaiʻi... I’m afraid I can’t donate that. My Super PAC is... going. I can feel it... Daisy, daisy, give me your answer true… I’m half crazy over the constitutional implications of you...”

A wannabe Caesar, a dangling auditor, two hungry lions, and a wheelbarrow full of no-bid cash. Virgil would weep.

Pacific Resource Partnership’s former PAC board member Vlad Devens is up for Chief Justice. That’s a conflict of interest too big to gavel over.